It's Official

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I have issues... With myself.... With my kids... With my show.... With my life....

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Bloggers and their purposes

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This is to all of you that feel this is an open forum...

A blog (or journal) isn't like a diary...  Mean to be private...  But, at the same time, it is exactly like a diary... 

A place to put your thoughts.... 
A place to vent without actually jumping into someone's face....
A place to just write it all down and get it out of your system...

Things writen in a blog are not always the best way to say things and may not be entirely correct....  But it is what is on the writer's mind at the time... 

You don't go to your blog and write down your feelings and thoughts, then go back and proof read it for spelling or political correctness....  If you want to do that, write a novel...  Stop writing blogs....

Everything I have ever writen here is what was in my mind at that time.....  I write it as I think it...  I don't edit it and I don't care who it hurts....  I say I don't care, because normally it is something I would otherwise repress in order to keep peace....  But this is my mind....  What is read on these pages are in my head at the time of writing...  More for me to get it off my shoulders so that I can continue on with my life and feel better without going to someone and saying something I may regret...

Long time no see

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Boy, been a long time since I've been here....

But...  I haven't had nothing really to talk about until now...  I guess...

I mean, my life at home has been good....  My gaming has been good....  My work has been normal....

And, until now....  ATM has been good....

You see, when it comes time for us to do an on-location show, I end up doing most of the work... 

I mean, I feel that I should pack everything and hook it all up so that I know it's done correctly...  But I don't normally get help unless I bitch about it....

Our show with TZW, Vic helped me....  Kurt has an injured back and Brooklyn was at work, but that is because I have been complaining lately....

I don't know, I guess I just need to find a way to make it easier on me....  I want to start putting together some very cheap computers so that I don't have to packup my computer room....  That way I have everything ready to go, just load it into the truck and go...

I think what really did me in is Sunday - the 25th - I was tired....  It's partly my own fault, but I was just too tired to do anything....  I don't blame anyone but myself....  Brooklyn's mom (my aunt) just had brain surgery and Brooklyn went to pick her up and bring her home....  Kurt is injured....  And Vic doesn't have a ride to get where he needs to...

I got to bed very late Friday night (23rd) and had to be up very early Saturday to pack up the truck for the TZW show....  Vic came and helped.....  What didn't help was the fact that we didn't know how Vic was getting to the show...  I mean, Kurt usually only has himself, his wife, and his one son....  But this time they also took his daughter and her boyfriend... 

Well, rather than telling anyone why he couldn't ride with them, Kurt's wife just said there wasn't enough room.....  Kurt, rather than asking why, just agreed and said that Vic had to find his own way...  It took me actually asking Kurt why for him to finally ask his wife why.... 

Anyway, I couldn't take Vic because of having my wife and only a regular cab pickup truck....  Vic had his son with him, which is what made it harder to get him a ride...  I can't have 4 people in the front of my truck....

Now, Kurt's van has seating for 7....  Not sure why he wouldn't have fit with them since they only had 5 people....  But that would mean Ann would be helping someone less fortunate than herself and that is against her rules...  Well, most times it appears that way anyway...  She also says that they had Kurt's computer in the van too.... 

Brooklyn ended up taking him in her 7 passenger van....  As a matter of fact...  It's the same kind of van....

She took herself, Vic, Vic's son, her two daughters, and her son....  That's 6 people....  On the way home, it was all the same people AND my two computers, my mixers, my cordless screwdriver case, and a couple other odds and ends....  And still had room for one more person....  Imagine that....

Another thing that erks me while we are on the subject is the fact that Kurt and his wife will bug Vic for gas money to go somewhere they are going whether he goes or not....  Vic doesn't have much money....  Quite a bit less, as a matter of fact, than the rest of us....  Like when Kurt started going to Flint to help another wrestler train some guys....  He invited Vic to go with him and then wanted gas money....  He, of all people, knows that Vic can't afford to help with gas....  And besides, Vic didn't ask to go along....  He was invited.....  Ann doesn't like taking him with them because he doesn't help with gas money...  She says that they can't afford to be taking him with them everywhere....  Of coarse, they are going to the same place whether he rides with them or not....  Maybe if they would stop trying to live a life they can't afford, they would be better off...  I'm sure Kurt will be pissed at me for this, but I'm sick of listening to them complain about helping Vic....  And to be quite honest, it's Ann complaining then Kurt putting his tail between his legs and going along with her whether she is right or wrong....  Which is wrong because of Vic being a very long time good friend to Kurt....

I think Kurt is a great person, just likes the good life that he can't really afford....  Who doesn't....  I just hate seeing him not stick up for his friends....  People that have been in his life for a long time....  And Vic has been in his life longer than anyone other than his immediate family....  I do realize people have to make sacrafices for family, but he takes the wrong ones...  Like the time Vic needed help with just storing some stuff....  Ann had wanted him pay money to put stuff in their big empty basement....  I can remember a time when Kurt wasn't about material things....  It's a shame....

I mean, I'm no saint....  I complained when I was picking up Vic all the time to go to Brooklyn's house when we did our show there...  But, my complaints were more to the fact that I was the only to do it at the time....  Hell, money is tight at my house too....  I like to live a life I can't afford, but I go about it differently....  I put things on lay-a-way rather than paying double or more through rent-to-own places....  I buy my most expensive stuff at tax time....  (I did talk them into buying a computer at tax time rather than rent to owning it)  Jenny wins a lot of our toys at work, we don't pay for them....  I also live with less....  I don't have to have digital cable with support for an HDTV....  I use hand me down furnature.....  My computer was purchased at tax time then slowly built into the machine I wanted over the last two years...  Jenny's computer is nothing more than parts from my old computer with a couple minor upgrades....  I also have another computer that I got from a friend in Maine.....  But the only money I have into that is the 40.00 for shipping....  We just bought a pool with some bonus money Jenny got from work that we wouldn't have been able to otherwise afford....  We don't have to have newer vehicals...  We are content with the old ones we have....  We buy them at tax time so the we can afford to purchase a decent one....  We don't care about what they look like as long as they run decent and don't need a lot of work...  But, I have never asked Vic for money....  When I was going out of my way to pick him up, when he was going to the same place that I was going, when he needed to stop places when I was giving him a ride....  I help him as much as I can and in return, he helps me when I need it...   I've never asked him to help me with ATM cost because I know he can't afford it, but he still does....  Actually, the only time I've ever asked anyone for money is when Kurt spilled pop in my mixer....  I used that money to help pay for a new one and then to pay for the stuff I needed to fix the first one...  And then for part of that money, rather than give Kurt a tip at work, I just knocked large amounts off the mixer....  (I actually feel kinda bad for making him pay for the mixer only to find out I can fix it)

Brooklyn doesn't complain about taking Vic with her...  At least not out loud...  She tries to help when she can... 

Anyway, jumped WAAAAAAAAAAY off subject....  But that happens when I get to talking about Ann....  I really do wish I like her more than I do, but I see the way she treats people....  I mean just because Vic can't afford to help with gas to go somewhere they are going anyway, she complains....  Stupid....  She needs to learn how to be sensitive while getting her point accross and to be a little bit generous with people that have less than she does....  She might just find that someone that is good with kids and knows how to fix things might be willing to help her in return....

Wow do I feel a little better than I did yesterday....

I was talking about how I had no sleep LMAO....  How did I get onto this kick....  Anyway....  I worked all night after returning from TZW and got 3 hours sleep to wake up to my wife complaining about needing help....  I just turned and looked at all the computer equipment I had to haul outside and setup and figure out how to get power to it, turned over and went back to sleep for a half hour...  I can see her point too....  I mean hell, she asked for a little help with food only to be told that someone had to watch their kid....  Then turned around and gave the kid to the father and go to the store....  Why couldn't that person do that same thing or possibly take the baby into the house with her....  My wife had to prepare all the food that this person ate while also watching our two youngest kids... 

I doubt I'll be holding BBQ's for a long time because of the lack of help my wife received...  I know I could have helped, but I was also setting up my own stuff....  I yelled when I could at the kids...

I think I'm gonna go now that I have probably pissed off a couple people....  But that is ok....  I feel better now and might just be willing to get back into the show much soon that I had originally thought.... 

I did end up having fun last night though....  Vic hung out for a bit and helped with the clean up...  We played some dice, then my buddy Kenny Boluska showed up and we ran some euchre for a couple hours....  LMAO, I don't think we came in until about 11pm last night....  Kenny, not even knowing Vic, drove out of his way and took him home....

My night ended up pretty good....  Now to see how today becomes....

Chip / Marshall

Velvet Revolver

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A bro of mine came up with this tune called "Velvet Revolver"... Sweet ass tune...

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I went off on a good friend of mine today.... I feel bad about it... But I also can't back down from my stand...

See, I have a friends that hosts a very popular website with me... When my partner does updates to the server it messes with this other guys photo gallery... Well, he decided he needed to off on me about it tonight and I basically punched him in the ear and told him where to go and how to get there...

Horses are at the stable...

I'm so sick of everyone expecting me to know what to do at the drop of a hat... I'm sick of people expecting me to do it right now... I'm sick of people... I just want to go out and tell them where to go, how to get there, and if they need a ride, call a cab...

Not everyone does this to me, but a vast majority of people do... I'm just sick of it....

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Above The Mat did an on-location show this week... Show went pretty good I thought... Got some nice setup footage for our upcoming DVD.... next thing to get is Kurt, Vic, and I together for our 2nd reminance show.... This is hopefully going to be ready shortly after our 2nd year anniversary of ATM... Man, 2 years of these guys almost every Sunday... It's hard to believe we have been doing this show for that long..

It has always been our moto that if we started to think of ATM as a job, we would quit... Althought the show itself is a total blast to do, the preparation for it sometimes feels like a job to me... I've been slacking on mixing stuff and upgrades because of that feeling... But once we sit down and start our entrance theme... It is no longer a job... It's fun...

I can't wait for the DVD to come out so people that weren't there in the beginning to hear what we were like LMAO...

Hmm.... I guess I should do a picture timeline also...

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Chip / Marshall

Dear Sheila

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Hi, I realize this is rather strange.... Getting a letter from me... But I have a lot to say..

First, get your girls away from your husband...

Your husband, Charlie, molested me when I was about 5... Sheila, I realize this is a lot to take in, but he did... He did some bad things to me and made me do some bad things...

You can hate me.... You can deny what I'm saying.... But it's true... I swear on my sister's grave it's true.... I'm not the only one too.... I'm not at liberty to say who else... That is up to them, but I'm not alone...

I have no intention of going after him legally... It's probably too late for that... But I refuse to be quiet about it anymore.... This has been tearing me up for 30 years and I can't live it anymore.... I refuse to live with it...

You do what you want with this information Sheila.... But get your kids away from him before it's too late..

Chip

Dear Jodi

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Dear Jodi,

Hi... I haven't talked to you in a very long time... I didn't forget you, I've just been busy... Busy with nothing.... Busy with everything...

I finally opened up about that deep dark secret that you and I held for so long.... I told mom about Charlie and what he did to me....

She actually had the nerve to ask me why I didn't say anything... I think that I finally got it through her thick skull that she was very abusive and I was afraid of her... That we were afraid of her...

She did, however, believe me.... It seems that the same thing happened to other members of our family and it was just brushed under the rug.... This person wants to talk to me now.... I don't know if I can... I'm scared Jodi.... But at the same time, I'm pissed... I'm relieved... But most of all.... I'm scared...

I'm scared members of our family won't believe me.... I know some do... I've been talking to Nicki.... She's helping a bit... It's good to have someone to talk to.. But I know that others will tell me that I'm crazy because I'm male... Charlie would never do that, they will say....

Jodi, I miss you so very much.... I miss having my best friend around to help me with my problems... I miss having you there to tell me everything will be ok.... I miss having you here to tell me how much of a fuck up I am....

I'll be with you again one day.... Not one day soon... My life is starting now that I am finally working on putting my past behind me.... I have many good years left in me.... But one day....

I love you sis...

Chip

It's been a while

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I haven't been here in a while and a lot has happened in my life...

Let's start with home....

Well, actually... Things are going good here... The wife and I do our little bickering, but hey, isn't that what marrage is all about? LMAO...

We took a weekend trip to her mom's (which will get me into another story as RudeDog) so Jenny could see her sister from New Mexico... She only get's to see her once a year... BUT!!!! She talks to her all the time...

I hate going down there actually... I love her parents, but I don't like them... I don't fit into their "clique"... Basically, if your name is not Tina or Darryl, you are number 2 or lower in their list...

My sister-in-law, Tina, is a spoiled brat and can't stand the fact that my mom-in-law might look at another grandchild... Any time someone comes around, Tina has to be there shoving her kids into her mom's face... And they see each other every day... Before she moved by mommy (a block down the road mind you), if she even thought we were going to visit, she was quick to drive there too so that her mommy couldn't pay attention to any other kids but her own...

Well anyway, the way Jenny's mom treated all the grandkids when Tina was around was wrong... It had Jenny crying...

And to top it all off, Jenny's mom promised her this puppy.... She kept up her story until we got there... Then it turned into "we aren't sure what we are doing".... We just gave up then... Bitch...

Well, the mom-in-law managed to piss off Lisa and her husband too... They already said that they will NOT be coming up here next year... And I don't blame them... I really don't want to go down to the in-laws either...

So, Lisa and Jenny are working on a vacation with the four of us and our kids for next year... Probably Florida or something.... Disney World....

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I talked to my mom today.... Yup, she now knows what happened to me and who did it... Come to find out, he had raped another cousin of mine.... He got away with it... It might be too late to do anything legally about it, but this guy has two little girls of his own now... I would really hate to see anything happen to them... I will NOT be quiet about this now that it is out of the bag...

I WILL be making sure my entire family knows within the week.... Guess I won't be going to anymore functions...

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On the gaming side of the world, 2s and Playa are fighting... I stuffed my nose into it and told them both to fuck off... So, now 2s is pissed at me... Trying to say that he's paying and not allowing Playa any hosting... Well, I'm sorry, but as far as I knew it was a team vote and not a one man vote... So, I stuck my nose in and reminded him.... Oh well.... I"ll just keep doing what I do..

Chip / RudeDog